New Year, New Me?

Yes, I do realize that it is the end of January.
Yes, I do realize I promised a funny story about 1 of the many Crazy Hoes I used to know.
Yes, I said, YES.

Ooh sorry just had a James Joyce moment (congratulate yourself if you got the reference before I mentioned it & take away 5 points if you initially thought I was quoting a song by Amber from the early 2000s)

Since my last post on this blog, I found myself (yet again) at a crossroads. I spent most of my Christmas break with my friends & family in St Charles Parish, filling my time with knitting & crazy talk (ooh wee, especially with my Grandma--we have given ourselves new nicknames, she calls me Scary Crow & I call her Silly Crow) but it was not all so frivolous as it may sound. I spent a lot of that time just being quiet, writing (longhand) in my journal, trying to figure out the Next Step. Much of it seemed predicated on the other people's actions, especially with regard to whether or not I was going to go back to work at the Colledge.

Although I had no desire to return to work there, I knew that I'd go if I were asked; a regular paycheck, no matter how pitiful (Seriously, $100 per week per class???) is a big draw for a broke bitch about to enter the dreaded Student Loan Repayment. In case you are thinking that I was just kind of not wanting to go back to Colledge, let me make something clear that I was not able to share last semester: every Monday & Wednesday, when I had to catch the 5pm bus to teach from 7pm-8:15, I spent most of the day in bed, paralyzed with anxiety & dread, staring up at the ceiling, wondering what happened to my life, half-hoping that a meteor would fall either on my house or on the Colledge & I'd not have to go there any more. Seriously.

Well, as you have probably guessed, the Colledge never contacted me one way or the other about teaching this semester & I can tell you with no reservations that I have never been so glad to lose a job in my whole life. It was more than just being unhappy with a job (as I see now), it affected every other area of my life: I wasn't knitting or writing or doing any of the creative things that give my tawdry lil existence meaning. I allowed the whole situation (from the asinine administration to surly students to paycheck problems) to annihilate my tenuous grip on self-esteem & was beginning to get desperate. I gave myself 100% permission to indulge in food binges while mindlessly staring at one screen (TV, Phone, Computer) or another, and often more than one at a time.

I spent New Year's Eve in my home town, at home with my best friend of 20+ years, just the two of us, drinking a little &  passing the time, talking things over, watching her neighbors' illegal fireworks from the driveway. It wasn't some star-studded affair & I didn't need it to be. I needed that quiet, that respite from the stress & the strain of it all in order to find my center & I got it. I was able to achieve some clarity & perceive how much of my unhappiness in 2012 was due to choices I made & how much power I actually have to create my own happiness.

I'd spent much of 2012 feeling very reactive instead of proactive--the jobs  I'd actively pursued (seriously I sent out over 400 resumes) didn't pan out & I let it defeat me & just took the job at the Colledge out of urgent financial need rather than any real passion or desire. I had permitted myself to succumb to a deep depression that was only reinforced by my addict behavior (Damn you, Little Debbie).

I would love to tell you that I just stood up one day & said something inspiring & POOF my whole life was fixed. That isn't how it happened though. It is a gradual process. I now keep a notebook handy while knitting so I can jot down any revelations or observations, as well as track my knitting progress over time &  I now see that the universe is giving me a different set of opportunities than what I had expected. My experiences this month at the Frenchmen Art Market are showing me that I can actually monetize my art work & I have decided to put focus on that, on growing my business & nurturing my soul. This is an exciting new year & there are so many amazing experiences on the horizon that I get giddy if I think of them too long.

I have no need to torment myself at some low-paying, soul-sapping job when I possess so many blessings and talents. I am grateful that when I have asked for help, I have received it. I am glad that I had those 2 semesters at Colledge, the bills stayed paid & I learned so much from the experience. I will probably keep learning from that experience as time passes--that is the way the universe works. I am eagerly looking forward to the rest of 2013. I have already opened up my etsy store & am planning to launch a new blog, focused on my Knitting.

Fear not, Gentle Reader, I will still be updating this blog (hopefully with more frequency) and plan to include more TV  & film reviews here (What do you think I'm doing while knitting?) as well as the Realness/Wrongness blog, for your schadenfreude delight.

Ooh, before I forget, here is the link to my etsy store, I plan on adding more items after I see how sales go this weekend (don't wanna list a bunch of stuff & then have to pull them bc they got sold over the weekend)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/WittyKnitterWearhaus

I didn't forget about that chapter of Crazy Hoes I used to Know, either, just hold tight, I got something good for you.


Thank you for reading this & supporting me on my  journey!