Final E-mails & exams....

So yesterday I gave my students their Final Exam. The day before the Final, I get an email from a student who was big pregnant at the beginning of the semester & dematerialized from class to give birth. She has been to class a few times since (usually to take tests) and the last time I saw her (like mid-March) I told her in no uncertain terms that I would be glad to work with her as long as she was keeping up with her work from home, but that she had to stay in touch with me. We have an online textbook & it easily lends itself to this as the homework is all submitted online. So here is Miss Thing's email:

(I'm not omitting a greeting like "Hola Profe," she simply did not write one)

I’m sorry I have not gotten to you sooner. I have not been to class because my daughter had contracted a contagious virus which she also gave to me. My 11 week (old I think she means) daughter being  this sick sent my world upside down. I was wondering if you could give me an incomplete mark for this semester so I can come back next semester to take the course again. I understand if you cannot.

Thank you,

Lady X

After some consideration (and a completely unhelpful response from my dept head), this is what I sent back:

Hola Lady X

I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances, but unfortunately at this point my hands are tied. What you are not understanding about an "I" is that you have to complete the coursework & turn it in to the professor of record before the end of the 1st week of classes for the following semester. Even if I were inclined to do this for you, as far as I am aware, I will not be teaching at UNO in the Fall so it would be impossible for me to accept your work & change your grade from "I."

The only thing I can tell you at this point is that you receive an F for this class and if you are a Freshman, at least you have the option to re-take the class & delete your grade (although you should speak to a counselor to verify this.)

El Profe

But the laughs don't stop there!! That student who asked me awhile ago if it would be possible to get a "C" despite her frankly non-existent attendance & awful scores decided to stay in the class & then didn't show up to the Oral Exam last week nor the Final Exam yesterday. & To top it all off, despite the fact that I pushed back the Exam time by an hour because I had a commitment at my job at the med skool, I STILL had someone come in 15 minutes late (after I'd already given the Dictation portion of the Final). I made him stay until everyone else left & then asked him the Dictation questions. 

Sometimes, incipient unemployment doesn't seem so bad after all....