No Fats, No Fems??? Bitch, Please!

So I understand I am not the first heavyset sissy to complain about the so-called "Adonis Factor." For the 2 straight ppl who will read this blog & not be familiar with this term, in gay personals (whether print or online) you will often see ads that contain the phrase "No fats, No fems" or something equivalent. Usually these profiles read something along the lines of "VGL athletic, masc seeking same" with varying degrees of fervency about the respect for the masculine paradigm. "No Nellies" "Don't be a fag" "your a man--act like it."

Faggots like this kill me. (& PS Yes I get to use this word. When you have had to clean this word in white spraypaint off your mailbox & the blacktop street in front of your house, so can you) Are we all so far into this case of institutionalized Stockholm Syndrome that we fetishize our oppressor & utterly reject ANY behavior that deviates from the ironclad rules of masculinity? Is it masochism on the part of the bottoms & revenge on the part of the tops?

Needless to say, these are not the guys I hook up with. I might be able to pull off some butch fraud via chat but honestly if one of these dudes came over here the jig would be up b4 I said a word. After all , when you reach the top of my steps the 1st thing you see is a picture of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman. And as you look around there is a window dedicated to WW in my kitchen as well as several altars to Hello Kitty, not to mention the set of Smiley Face knicknacks on my computer desk in front of my bed. So the kitsch factor alone of my house would completely give away the game so to speak.

But let's get down to brass tacks: It really doesn't take all that much work to pass for straight: most of the time it just means you have to speak as if you had a lobotomy in words of 2 or less syllables. "Sup bro?" "aight man," sometimes while wearing a baseball cap at a jaunty angle. I often feel like sending these faggots a message like: "I don't know if you know this, but no matter how thug/butch/masc you may think you are, there is nothing butch about suckin dick, Stupid. If it wasn't for visible sissies & drag/trans ppl opening the door for ALL OF US, this website would be ILLEGAL." But then again, I'm on these cruisy websites too. I guess you have to expect & accept a certain amount of this sort of shallowness in the online gay community--which is really the only facet of the gay community I see lately. Well, that & the Logo Channel.

It's strange, when I was 18 or so & just coming out, I think the only thing I really knew about myself was that I was gay--mainly because it seemed like no one in school ever let me forget it--so I completely threw myself into the shark pit that is the so-called gay community (read: Bar Scene) here in NOLA. I was out at the corner of Bourbon & St Ann practically every night of the week for YEARS. & when I wasn't out there, I was planning my next trip. I found it wasn't what I expected: no gay fairy godmothers, no one special guy who caught my eye & won my heart, really just a lot of other kids and a few older people (AIDS killed so much of the generation before me, all of the people who could have--should have been our role models were taken away from us) and all of us were on something or things. From booze to cocaine to X to LSD to Special K to the pharm cabinet & any & every combination thereof. All of us looking for something & usually afraid to say what it really was, so we'd substitute "I wanna bump" for "I want someone who will love & respect me & empower me to live my own truth."

But I stayed there. I found that the "no fats, no fems" rule doesn't apply if you stay out late enough or get high enough. I won't say I didn't have fun (I certainly had more sorts of fun than the law allows) or make a few good friends along the way. But for a long time now, gay bars and debauched excess don't have the appeal they used to. So I guess I'll stick to the cruisy websites & the dwindling hope that one day the body fascists will understand that we are all more than just labels. Not just masc or fem or top or bottom or dom or sub or whatever. As long as we adhere to this artificial standard of what makes a man a man we are all dimished.

Fetishizing so-called "real men" (who, by definition want women & not men) is based on the misogynistic idea that whatever is male is good & whatever is female is bad. It is a symptom of an ingrained self-hatred. When we find a "real man" who will deign to have some sexual contact with us, it generally ends one of 2 ways: 1. After a while he gets tired of it & goes back to his girlfriend/wife or 2 we sabotage it in some way because we find ourselves disgusted by him on some level for not being "manly" enough. Sometimes there is option 3--where we become the revolving door out of the closet & then Mr. Straight Man starts sucking every dick in the Zip Code, but there you have it. The story always ends up the same, with you sittin up late in front of your computer, drinkin Bluberi Stoli & cranberry, feeling sorry for yourself & blogging....