Gosh it seems like so much (and yet so little) has happened since the last blog. The 8-week Summer Semester at Colledge ends next week & I know it's a cliché but damn where did the time go?
I have started this blog a bunch of times & not really known where to start, but I will try to maintain a quasi-linear narrative. My so-called wife & I went to dinner a few weeks ago & as dinner drew to a close, I got an email from Dillard University (right down the street from where I live) offering me an adjunct position, teaching 3 sections of 1st semester French in the Fall. I talked to the Dept head, sent her all my info, CV, got letters of recommendation, paid to have official transcripts sent, and everything seemed fine.
I was house-sitting for a friend Uptown & got up in the night for a pee & checked the time on my cell phone & saw that it was like 3AM & there was a new email from Miss Lady at Dillard. Well, most of you will already know that the email's tone was very apologetic, but the crux of it was that despite my excellent qualifications, due to some internal politics, she wouldn't be able to offer me those classes after all.
Ugh. Just typing about it, I get that kicked in the balls feeling I had that night, sitting on my friend's bed while his dogs just looked bewildered at me as I rocked back & forth & just felt that ugly mix of disappointment & anger & despair wash all over me. Needless to say, there wasn't much sleep to be had for the rest of the night. I posted something about it as my FB status & I keep trying to remember that things happen for reasons & that there must be something better headed my way but damn it's not easy with Sallie Mae blowing up my phone & my food stamps getting reduced because my intermittent income was slightly higher in the month leading up to my renewal date.
& Speaking of Sallie Mae, I made a payment late & the system credited the payment to the wrong loan, although the web-site told me it went to the right one. Of course the drama that I just encapsulated in one sentence was a 2 week or so tribulation, with machines calling my phone daily & then keeping me on hold for hours on end, only to hang up on me before a live person could answer (this happened more than once, not just that day I was updating about it on FB), to say nothing of the barrage of "DO NOT REPLY" emails I was getting.
Add this stuff to my continuous Bestie Break Up PTSD... Yes seriously. I get better about it sometimes but it has really affected me. Like I don't reach out to people like I used to. When ppl don't return my texts/calls/emails I take it for granted that they are just randomly dropping me like He did. It's not pretty. It's not reasonable. It's just sad and angry and not knowing what to do with these feelings but eat them or try to numb them out of my brain electronically with Facebook Games or smoke them away with Marlboros or indulge in some other compulsive behavior that will keep it all at bay. So far it's been corn chips instead of crystal meth but damn.
Most days my self-care is minimal at best, brush teeth, shower & shave if I have to go teach (thank God I have to do this 4 days a week) but something as normal as making breakfast exhausts me just thinking about it & so I skip breakfast & usually don't eat until at least noon, often later, and quite a lot (and usually some kind of prepared food, making groceries is really too much of a task & besides I'm afraid I'll have some freaky emotional reaction again) but that will be the only meal of the day.
Damn this blog is kind of a bummer. Sorry about that. But in better news, I'll be heading to Hahnville after this Summer Session ends for a few weeks (I don't go back to work at the Med Skool until Aug 7th, and don't have anything else so far scheduled til then besides a few shifts at the Sweet Shop) and I'm def looking forward to seeing my awesome grandma & my BFF Sandi. The plan is for Sandi & I to get a few projects done, maybe some gardening for our mutual grandmas, maybe some lawn stuff, IDK what all, but just a few things to help me regain a sense of accomplishment, of work pleasure. Strange to think of all the awards & scholarships & even the game show I won but lately the biggest accomplishment is a high score on Marvel: Avengers Alliance.
Oof. Well so much for a linear narrative & joy. Please return to your normal Internet experience. Check out my other blog for a laugh about hoes onna bus or something.
Thanks for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment