Grief at the Grocery

I haven't posted about this except for an FB status update, but at the beginning of the year, I went thru a Bestie Break-up. No warning, no fight, but out of nowhere someone I thought of as family just stopped returning my text messages around Christmas.

I checked on his FB & he'd deleted me as a friend.

Around January 2, I txted him: "Look. Don't make me get all Mo Gumbo on you & stalk you. If there is something I've done to piss you off I'd appreciate the chance to talk it over & work things out. I miss you."

An hour or so later I got some weird terse thing like: "If you love me let me go. I have not been true to my inner voice for a long time now. Please don't contact me again, Sam. I pray you will find peace."

It felt like a kick in the chest then & it still does.

I got a new phone the next day & I'd decided to honor his no-contact request & so I didn't transfer his number. I figured this way I wouldn't be tempted to blow up his phone like some crazy person.

In the morning I got a text from an unknown number that said: "Damn, I think I'm leaving."
I wasn't quite awake yet & just texted back "Who is this?" when I didn't initially recognize the number.

It didn't occur to me until I was making groceries this afternoon at Rouse's that it was his number. I was reaching into one of the coolers for something & I just flashed back to being there with him, & I looked over my shoulder & I could just sort of see him out of the corner of my eye & of course he wasn't there but it just hit me how sad it was that he wasn't there & how sad I've been since I got that text.

If I hadn't gotten there on the bus, I'd have left right then.

I got that kicked in the chest feeling as I walked thru the aisles, every time remembering some sassy interchange between us and the check-out aisle was the worst, thinking about all the times we cut up with the girls behind the register, like the time he was dancing to the music in his head & Miss Irish (yes that is this Ho's real name) was looking at him crazy & said she was gonna call 911 if I hadn't explained his behavior to her.

I never thought funny moments could make me so sad.

I cycle between sad & angry & depressed about it all the time but wow it really just grabbed hold of me at that Rouse's & wouldn't let me go. The anger part of it was severely exacerbated by the fact that I called United Cab for a ride home at 5PM. Then again at 5:20. & 5:40. & 6:10. & 6:25. To the point that one of the ppl answering the phone recognized my voice & said, "Sam, you still haven't gotten a cab yet?"

They were all suitably apologetic but I ended up calling Yellow Cab & getting home with one of them.

But I had to sit in front of the Rouse's for almost 2 hours before that Yellow Cab got there, just doing my best not to burst out crying over how fucking sad things are without the laughs & fun I used to have with this guy.

At first I really couldn't think what brought this all on & why it couldn't wait until I was not in fucking public to be all emotional like that, but now that I've written it all out, it makes sense, insofar as that is possible.

Did I mention that just as the 1st big crest of the emotional wave smashed me to pieces, I came across a table of candy bars, 2 for $1?? Needless to say LRW grabbed a Take 5, a Reese's Nutrageous, a Butterfinger Crisp & a Reese's Crisp. Not to mention some Lil Debbie Snack Cakes.

Geez, I sound like someone on that show "Addicted to Food."

Anyway so I came home, had a cry, ate my emotions & watched RuPaul's Drag Race. RuPaul makes a bad Monday a lot better.

Well at least until I think about how much he loved that show & how we'd watch together on Monday nights this time last year.

At least I'm not imagining I see him out of the corner of my eye, sitting in his usual spot on the couch...

The worst part about this whole thing is that I can't do anything with these feelings. He asked me not to contact him. I can't force him to be my friend again.

I wish I had some nice surprise twist ending to this blog, like in the Mary Tyler Moore TV movie that starts with Mary & Rhoda making up after not talking for a long time, & Mary says, "What were we thinking?"
& Rhoda says: "I don't know, but I don't ever wanna think it again."

But what I actually have is hope that time will heal this wound & gratitude for all the amazing people I do have in my life. It's just that I'd like this particular one back, y'know?

Addicted to Addictions, Compelled by Compulsions...

I've noticed a trend in entertainment lately, TV shows about ppl struggling with compulsive behaviors. You know what I'm talking about:

Intervention
Addicted
My Strange Addiction
Celebrity Rehab
Hoarders
Hoarding: Buried Alive
Addicted to Food
My Crazy Obsession
Bad Sex
Strange Sex
RuPaul's Drag Race

Oh, sorry, that last one is just one of MY addictions.

Anyway, the list goes on & on.

What does it say about us as a culture, this phenomenon of watching people drink gasoline or smoke crystal meth or inject animal tranquilizers? I can't help but wonder how many ppl see this kinda stuff & actually try it out, thinking "Oh well I'm not as dumb as that ho on (insert show name here), I will be just fine. Besides, it looked like she was feeling good when she (gambled/shopped/screwed) her way thru the day, and if it gets out of hand I can just call Dr Drew or Dr Phil or Oprah & get myself out of it."

Nobody says "I wanna be a junky when I grow up," or maybe they do, just to break the rules.

As most of you will know already, I have had my struggles with addiction, in fact all these shows are starting to make me think that we all are, to some degree or another. (I swear this makes more sense than my belief that everyone in NYC is a sex offender because of Law & Order: SVU).

It seems like we all rely on something to get us thru: coffee, cocktails, pills (vitamin or otherwise)...so does this mean the key is in managing one's vices? Nurturing the productive ones & not indulging too much (or maybe at all) in the destructive ones?

I'm not really sure, let me get back to my Dr Who & knitting & I'll let you know....